Woman vs Apartment
by Ashj
Summary: Reno hires a friend to clean his black hole of an apartment while he's away, not all goes well. Slight CloudxOc and RenoXRufus at the end if you squint, twist your head upside down, and snap your own neck doing so. Rated T for language.


"It should be easy for you, okay?" Reno explained to his friend outside of his apartment door. "All you hafta do is clean up the place. Got it." His friend nodded and grinned at him, "Of course I am! Who do you think you're talking to?" Reno sighed, "Brace yourself." He advised he as he slowly unlocked to door to his living space.

Karena's jaw dropped as she stared at the turbulent chaotic black hole that was Reno's apartment. "Kay, thanks, bye!" He swiftly shoved her inside before slamming the door shut and running off. "Godammit Reno!" she shrieked as she pounded on the door, "you set me up!"

Upon realizing he ran away, she turned with a sigh to face her imminent doom. This is gonna suck, she thought as she rolled up her sleeves.

..-..-.-.-.-.-.

"So, lemme get this straight, you got Karena… to clean your apartment for you?" Rufus asked, lounging around in his fluffy leather office chair of scheming. He grinned, "Damn straight." "May Gaia have mercy on that poor soul." Rude nodded in agreement and crossed himself.

"What the fuck was that. Yo? Do you two even have a religion? And besides, she said she'd send me voicemails to tell me about her progress. See? Look, she's already sent me one." Reno pressed play on the message and turned on the speaker phone.

_Ummmm… hey Reno. It's Karena, just telling you that I've started to clean up the bedroom and- DEAR LORD IS THAT A MOUNTAIN OF PANTIES! That's just gross. Anyway, I've put a heap of you dirty laundry in the washing machine, and just to tell you, it broke. So you owe the land lord a new one. Sooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrryy~_

_ So right now I'm gonna just make you be- OMAIGAIA, THAT MOUNTAIN OF PANTIES JUST MOVED! HOLY SHIT!_

Rufus raised an eyebrow at Reno as gunshots sounded from his phone. The sexy redhead just shrugged.

_Alright, I think it's dead…. If panties can bleed that is…. Screw it. I can't risk that. I'm getting a pair of scissors and cutting this shit up. Later Reno._

Reno wailed as he threw himself on the floor, "Not my collection! I had to sleep with 269 women to get those!"

..-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-

Later on in the day, Reno reported in with another voice mail on his phone. "Gee, I can't wait to hear this one." Rufus rolled his eyes as he leaned on his mahogany desk of doom. "Just shut up in listen, yo. Okay?" he pressed play.

_Hey Reno, this is Karena. Ummmm… I was kinda cleaning out your closet and i found something funny. Well actually, two things. One is a corpse and another is, y'know how you said Elena is MIA. Well I ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. I kinda found her… in your closet…. And man does she look half dead._

_ You might wanna get an ambulance over here or something, I thinks she gonna die…. Kay, BYE!_

"And where was Elena, Reno?" the redhead shrieked and turned around to find an unamused looking Tseng. "Oh, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyy Tseng. Heh heh heh…. Heh….. heh." "I'll get you later dweeb." The wutain narrowed his eyes at Reno before walking out the door.

.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-….-.-.-.

"And so he was all like, that suit makes you look fat. And I was all like, no , you face make YOU look fat. And Heidegger was all like, you can't see my face because I have a beard. And I was all like-"

"Oh hey look, another voice mail, yo." Reno interrupted Rufus's rant about his shopping expedition last week as he played around with the straw of a Java Chip Frappachino. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Goody~ Play it! Play it!"

"Okay, okay. Chill yo."

_Hey Reno, this is Karena, just updating you on the situation. Tseng came and picked up Elena, he was like crying and all that junk. So now I'm cleaning your bathroom, everything seems to be fine except fo- HOLY SHIT! That is one FUCKING huge ant! Die mother fucker! DIE! Eat bug spray… damn that's not working! Fabreeze! NUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, that's not working either…. Um…. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. Reno's toilet bowl water!_

A resounding shriek of terror was heard from the phone.

_It's working! It's working! It's being repelled, jesus Reno, what the hell do you eat to make your toilet water this gross? Gaia Dammit, its coming back….. and it has friends. Back! Back I say! Don't make use the electro stick Reno left behind. Begone foul demon!_

Something fried on the other end on the line. In fact, something fried several times. Both Rufus and Reno raised an eyebrow at the earpiece.

_Okay…. I *gasp* think it dead *gasp*So I'll *gasp* call you later._

"Wow, that was completely unexpected"

"Shut up Rufus."

..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-…-.-.-.-.

It was around 3 when he received his next voice mail.

_Hey Reno, it's Karena. So I've gotten everything done except for the kitchen. All I really need to do I wash all the goddamn dishes right? Hold on… lemme just move this stack outta the sink so I have room real quick. Oh hey! There's water already in there! Ew, gross. _

_ I'm just gonna unplug this and –AGH! SOMETHING GOT MY ARM! WHAT IS THAT! IS THAT A TENTACLE! WHY IS THE KRAKEN IN YOU SINK RENO! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING IN HERE!_

Reno face palmed, "I should have never had sex with that octopus, yo"

_ OMAIGAIA! IT'S PULLING ME IN! IT'S PULLING ME IN! HELPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-_

The phone went dead. Reno stared at the screen, contemplating on whether of not to go save the girl. After a minute, he shrugged "She'll be fine, yo. Now where's that blonde secretary? I need to make an…. Appointment."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-…-.-.

After screwing the blonde secretary of Reeve Tuesti, Reno got another voice mail at 4:30. "Oh, hey. She's still alive, yo" he said with surprise. "Really?" Rufus turned around in his squeaking, fluffy, comfy, leather, evil, sexy office chair of schemeing and propped his feet up on his mahogany desk of epic, sexy, doom.

"Yes, Rufus. Really, yo."

_Oh hey Reno, it's Karena. Just wanna let you know I'm alive._

_ Somehow I managed to escape from the Kraken so I called up Cloud and he came over and beat the shit out of it for me. So your apartments all clean now. Oh yeah and…_

It sounded like the phone was grabbed out of her hand, which was later proven true when Cloud's sexy, blond, emo, badass voice came on.

_We had sex on your bed. It was the best shit ever. And we're gonna do it again in the next few minutes. And again in the kitchen, and in the bathroom, and on the walls, and in the closet, and on the ceiling, and on that dead ant that Karena killed and on th-_

Reno pressed the end call button, his face as red as his hair. Rufus looked at him sympathetically. "Awwwwww, they had straight sex all over your house~ How cute. You know, if you don't wanna go back tonight, your more than welcome to share my bed." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively before giggling to himself. "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Rufus, you are so naughty, naughty naughty!"

"Shut up, Rufus, yo."


End file.
